Lucid Dreaming
By Bethesda Eilers
PROLOGUE
Joan was in Durbin’s classroom after school because there was a fight that included a body pillow, three bars of soap, two mechanical pencils, a possessed chewyua plush, and an otaku flavored birthday cake. They were talking about it with Angela, Luni, (who was watching yaoi face down on the table and listening to John Lennon ASMR) Jay (was there but then used the toilet because she got really bad period shits), and Marcus’s shrine (because he moved to P.E. and is so strong that Mr. Cunningham is asking him to teach for $1,755,392,381,393,528,097,020,027,266727,272,195,819,272,447,032,224,747,490,276,396,338,629.50000000005342963735289634900000082626271 an hour for the rest of a random child’s life). Joan had a seizure and they aggressively flung about, Angela tried to comfort Joan with a sharp boomerang knife but Joan knocked it out of their hand and it head through the open door in John’s (Jay’s brother) head.
“Yo, watch out!” said Jaden as the boomerang knife hit John in the head and he fainted while Astird clapped supportively trying to make him believe in himself enough to stand up and go to class.
“DsbbhHCYJBFFGHJ cat food cat food cat food, or a toy boat at the store,” said Joan as the seizure passed.
Angela paused time and caught the knife midair. Angela did a backflip over Mr. Durbin’s head and he clapped supportively not seeing the bloodshed that happened in the hallway. As Angela landed, their feet split open Jaden’s emo femboy head. Angela did the 67 dance and an orange passenger plane that all of their parents were on crashed into the volleyball tournament.
“Boo Marshall MustanjfjifibeviefvGGFHGRE!” said Joan as they had another seizure and killed almost everyone in the room with Angela.
All of the erasers turned into monsters that were still small erasers and bit many people’s fingernails off. Then Angela drank too many monster energy drinks and almost became one so Joan replaced Angela’s heart with a second pair of lungs that give Angela the power to turn into a pufferfish. Angela didn’t know how to use these powers before Joan summoned their great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandmother, Zvezda. Zvezda taught Angela how to use their powers, and said bye to Joan, Joan said they would pay her back. Shortly after that Angela’s ear got infected and Joan took Angela’s ears off and was surprised by, formerly Jay, a soap monster. Jay ate Angela’s infected ears, but then disappeared with a CARGLEPOPBOMMBA. Joan and Angela walked out looking for Jay the soap monster. Luni looked up from the yaoi and used his pet bus as a chariot on the way home, but was stopped by Elon Musk who decided to give Luni, Angela, Joan, and Fyodor (Luni’s doll) 1.5 trillion dollars. Joan used this to buy ‘WAY MIGHT NOT BE SAFE, HOW SHOULD I KNOW I ONLY OWN THE PLACE>:c’ and become richer than Elon Musk, who, coincidentally, was married to one of Joan’s best friend. Also Angela has a cat that can levitate who is named ‘pink tip.’ Pink tip likes to take selfies from the air.
CHAPTER ONE: IN WHICH THERE ARE WELL PAID INDIVIDUALS.
EIGHT YEARS LATER…
Angela and Luni were in the office of someone with a massage chair in their office instead of normal office chair (office chairs in offices are for normie’s, something that this person was not anything close) who unsuccessfully tried to swivel but ended up yelling at their security to help with the chair.
“Jeff damnit! You there! Help!” said a vaguely feminine voice. Once they were facing Angela and Luni, you could see their greenish brown eyes and starbucks logo earring that somewhat resembled them and neon pink short hair that clashed with their alpaca/llama wool dark blue button up blouse, which was accompanied with start wars pajama pants and one blue argyle sock with lobsters that went up just past their ankle, and one that went up past the start of their pajama pants ‘ASK ME ABOUT MY PLACE ON THE SOCIAL HIERARCHY!’ sock. A sock that looked more like ‘SK ME BOUT MY PLCE OCIAL IARCHY’ with their open back grey slippers, which was the most calm part of their outfit. “I’m sure you do not know why you are here.”
“Yes ma’am,” said Luni respectively, “I mean, we don’t know. Ma’am.”
“Sweet. You know how eight years ago we knew a hooman called Jay?” asked the pink haired individual as they took a sip out of their Starbucks ‘WASHINGTON!’ cup, which was right next to their Starbucks ‘IOWA!’ cup.
“Yes. Angela didn’t know her well, but we did.” said Luni.
“The snobby, vain, rude, not empathetic, joking about serious thi-?” whispered Angela into Luni’s ear.
“Yes, she was all of those and more, generally disliked things.” said the pink haired person. “I would prefer if all your questions were directed to me. I want you to find her. Jay. The soap monster.”
“Joan you can’t be asking us to-” said Angela, surprised as Luni interrupted her.
“You can’t speak so disrespectfully Angela. As their employees we must be respectful.” Luni immediately turned to Joan, “But that does not mean they aren’t acting like a dumbass. Joan, Jay has been gone for a while. I don’t thi-”
“No.” said Joan, acting as if that conversation was over, they said, “You will start at home. Go now.”
“WHAT ARE WE DOING?!” asked Angela because she was confused.
“How should I know?” said Joan unhelpfully, “I am just telling you what your end result should look like.”
“Oh Jeff-I forgot how confusing you are Joan,” sighed Luni trying their best not to look like they were silently judging or were confused, because that would be the death sentence.
“Let’s go Luni!” said Angela, overly optimistic. “I’ve got a good feeling about this.”
CHAPTER TWO: IN WHICH ANGELA’S PREMONITION IS INCORRECT
“Well, I think I was wrong.” said Angela in an inevitable cloud of gloom. “I thought someone in her family would know.”
“Always expect the unusual. That’s what Lilth would say. Or maybe Gwyneth? I could never figure who was who,” said Luni in no better of a state than Angela.
“Joan’s sister, right?” asked Angela.
“Yeah. Lilth’s a lawyer and Gwyneth’s a phlebotomist for baby mice found on the side of the road. Or were they rats? Or was it bunnies/rabbits/hares (bunnies and rabbits and hares oh my!)? Anyway, last time I heard from Joan about them Joan said from them they were scheming a murder. Something about an expired bag of cheetos on the ground someone stepped on..?”
“THAT’S IT!” exclaimed Angela. “I KNOW WHERE TO LOOK!”
“Where?” asked Luni calmly.
“TO WHERE WE LAST SAW HER SOAP SUDS!” yelled Angela loudly, turning the heads of all the people they were walking past in the capital mall, “THE SCHOOL, SPECIFICALLY THE MIDDLE SCHOOL THE FOUR OF US (Joan, Angela, Luni, Jay, (also Markus)) WENT TO!”
—————————
“Pleeeease, let us go in!” begged Angela to the uncomfortable math teacher Dave.
“No.”
“YESSS, sAaAy YEESSSSS,” begged Angela, trying to sound mystical, obviously not caring about their reputation at the school.
“If this doesn’t work, you have to try.” whispered Angela into Luni’s ear.
“Also, Todoroki from My Hero Academia is a traumatized Christmas pepermint.” math teacher Dave commented on Angela’s shirt.
“Duh, why else would I wear a shirt with him on it?” said Angela in the voice they make when they are going to do something unethical.
“Oh you should come in,” said math teacher Dave contemptuously.
“Thank you,” said Luni shyly after looking confused/like he was silently judging.
“Let’s start looking in the woodshop. It would be the perfect place to disembowel someone. If anyone asks who we are, these name tags should help,” he pointed to the ‘VISITOR: LUNI C. CRODUA.’ Angela had a matching one with a fake name because they were famous for their fandom wiki writings (Alien Stage, Fyodor’s Adventures, Why Would An Adventurer Care About Their Girlfriends Dad [W.W.A.A.C.A.T.G.D.], Lucid Dreaming, The Search for the Soap Monster Jay [T.S.F.T.S.M.J.], 0118-999-881-999-119-725 3, Dave the Math teacher and the Soap Monster Busters [D.T.M.T.A.T.S.M.B.] etc.) ‘VISITOR: ELENORE R. WILCOX.’
“Sounds great,” said Angela.
They walked in and remembered that people actually have cleaned the woodshop in the past eight years.
“Jeff damn it.” said Angela, “Lets look in the bathrooms. You know nobody cleans those.”
“Yeah, last week I saw a rat in there.” said Luni disgustingly.
“Why were you here last week?” asked Angela.
“*Sigh* Well, it’s a bit of a long story-”
“Stop right there!” interrupted an annoying female middle schooler’s voice as Luni and Angela entered the hallway, “What are you doing! You can’t be making out, vaping, P.D.A.ing Mr. Durbin’s classroom without an escort! What class are you in?”
“Huh?” said Angela in that one voice they have.
“*Enter intense Luni stare here* We aren’t-” said Luni trying to use their Magical Pretty Pretty Princess Powers.
“That’s what they all say! I’m taking you to the principal!” said the middle schooler as they mumbled, “No one’s gonna expect me to, on my first day do better than Leyza.”
Luni used the brain chips inserted into their heads to communicate telepathically. Sibling rivalry? Thought Luni. Maybe… thought Angela.
“Here you are Mrs.Eve, two misbehaving students. They were in Durbin’s classroom.” said the middle schooler.
“Very good Oaklynn. Now look at their name tags.” said Mrs.Eve.
Oaklynn’s face dropped from their competent smile. “I am sorry Mr. Luni and Mx. Clark, I didn’t mean to offend you.” said Oaklynn depressedly, “Can you, by any chance, forgive me for my horrible offense to your reputation?”
“Joan might hire them.” said Luni to Angela, “It’s the kind of weirdo they’d hire.”
“Yeah, I’ll call them now.” Angela said as they picked up their phone and called Joan. “Hey Joan, are you free now? What, why? I can’t do that all the ti- Joan DON’T YOU DARE HANG U- Wait I’ll put Luni on.” Angela covered their phone, “I think they want to talk to you.” and handed the phone over to Luni.
“Hi Joan, I think I might have a business opportunity for you. Uh-huh I don’t-, Hey Oaklynn? What do you think of lobotomy?” asked Luni.
“I don’t know what it means sir. And please call me Oakly,” said Oaklynn politely.
“I don’t know if the- square? No, no. Law school maybe? What do you think of lawyers Oakly?” asked Luni while Mrs. Eve wrote in her book about how much she hates everyone.
“Good. The- I mean they are good.”
“This might change that… Oh! Perfect! Byyyyeeeee. Oakly go to the small airport near ‘WAY MIGHT NOT BE SAFE, HOW SHOULD I KNOW I ONLY OWN THE PLACE>:c’ tomorrow at three am if you want a job.”
“What would I be doing? If I may ask.” added Oakly quickly.
“Lemme get Joan on speakerphone.” said Angela aggressively typing on their phone.
“Lobotomizing famous lawyers if you get the right promotion Ms.Oaklynn. Your sister wanted to work for me.” said Joan through the phone.
“Huh? Leyza only ever wanted to work for the ‘WAY MIGHT NOT BE SAFE, HOW SHOULD I KNOW I ONLY OWN THE PLACE>:c’, Mx. Elenore and Mr. Luni couldn’t have known you.” said Oakly as if they thought Joan was lying.
“Off this is why I didn’t like your sister, trust me you don’t want to become her.”
“Principal Eve, there’s some people asking to come in and . . . something cantankerous going on in the cafeteria..” said a kid nervously.
“What is it? Is it important enough to bug me about?” said principal Eve.
“Excuse me ma’am, S.M.E.A.R., Soapy Monster Execution Agency Ravanous, we heard you had a soap monster on the premises about eight years ago?” said a male voice of a dude with amazing hair.
“Excuse me Luni and Angela, I’ll take care of this.”
“Wait, is that you Eve? ‘Fairness is when I hate everyone equally?’ Eve?” asked Joan.
“Yep, got to go!” said Eve as she walked to the school foyer, “Take the visitors to the exit, Carlisha, they need to go home now.”
“Is that okay with you Luni?” asked Eve with no regard to Angela whatsoever.
“I want something from the student store,” said Luni quickly
“Lisha, take them to the student store and then report back to Mrs.White before she yells at me. And take this hall pass.” sighed Eve crankly.
“He-here you are. I’ll be in th-he Library if you n-need me. I-i’m Carlisha Rarth by the wa-way.”
“Thanks Carlisha.” Angela said as she turned to Luni and as Carlisha went to the Library.
“Now we investigate the cafeteria,” said Luni factually. “Carlisha said something about the cafeteria, and if we come back with one new employee and nothing on Jay they won’t be happy. If we do enough they’ll forget the reason we were needed here and we will get paid.”
“Ok. Let’s go!” said Angela.
“Umm, I see you are trying to have some serious discussion right now but you are holding up the line.” said the lady working at the student store.
“Oh, SORRY!” said Angela as they moved out of line and into the mob of preteens.
Luni and Angela heard screaming as they saw tator tator tots ripped open a surly tall dude and a short peppy/preppy girl like jars. They ran to the rental car and started driving towards Joan’s mansion. Joan owned eighty seven mansion but primarily lived in one mansion when they were in the U.S. This was proclaimed ‘The Eilers Estate’ and was where Joan had Angela and Luni staying because it was close and they already had people working there and because Angela and Luni begged because they had never been there. When they got to the Eilers Estate they rang the doorbell, which played carol of the meows, and finally relaxed. They had successfully gotten away from the evil tator tator tots and were safe.
“State your name and business.” said a butler through the little speaker thingy mansion have.
“Angela H. and Luni C.”
“Come in fast.”
When Angela and Luni were inside they were met with a grim looking butler with a ‘FYODOR’ name tag.
“Have they gotten this far already?” asked Fyodor.
“What? The tator tator tots? We saw them in Olympia and drove away.” explained Angela.
“Yes. The tator tator tots. They were part of an experiment in Victoria, Canada and they were freed into America because they were illegal in Canada. They have smarter rules,” said Fyodor.
“In Canada they have rules against living tator tator tots?” Angela asked, confused.
“Well, yes they have rules against creatures that are newly created/ not rated yet. And in America they don’t. Anyway let me show you to your rooms.” said Fyodor walking through a gigantic hallway.
After Fyodor showed them to their rooms, they fell into a deep sleep before they were woken up for dinner by a maid. Once they got to the dinner table they saw a shrine to the almighty god above us, Jeff the rubber chicken. It was made of pure gold. After they saw the shrine they saw four children, a fifth grader with short dark brown hair and dark eyes. Next to their older brothers they saw twin girls, one with a round face, light red hair at their shoulders and a confused look at Angela, the other with a very pointed face and dark hair with brunette colored roots was running around with perfume bottles and deodorant. Both girls looked to be second graders. Lastly they saw a little preschooler with pitch black hair that also had gray and gold hairs with barely enough hair to maybe put in a ponytail, his hair looked like the cap of a toadstool holding his baby blue labubu while looking confused.
“Hi I’m Karla,” said Karla. “Are you the new assistants? If so you probably won’t see me if you are working here because M-Joan is sending me to a new place to make alliances. ”
“No, we are Joan’s friends.” said Luni very calmly.
“Ohh, Momma’s fend,” said the little preschooler, relaxing his grip on the labubu. “I’m by the way. This is Blue.”
“Well, I’m Margarita, the best kid of ever.” said the round-faced kid striking a pose.
“I think that one might be my least favorite,” whispered Angela as they pointed at the one with.
“I’m Tequila. Joce- Margarita’s twin AND the tiddiest,” said the boney kid as they explained further. “Our grandmother Aster and Grandfather Finn had multiple quadrilion (I ain’t remember) kids, Joan, our mommy, and Looney, our auntie.”
“Then Momma had Karla, and four other children they might have, they say they had eight, I mean seven (Karla is being sold off), and almost says names other than ours, goes pale and changes the conversation. Bobby Ronald MacDonald Junior then I changed his name to that a few years ago,” said Bobby Ronald MacDonald Junior the I politely.
“Then she had either Margarita or Tequila. Mom doesn’t remember who was born first, probably ‘cause they were in a business meeting,” said Karla.
“And then she had Bobby Ronald MacDonald Junior the I. Before Bobby Ronald MacDonald Junior the I was born they were a lot less strict about worshipping Jeff. Now they make sure we say grace and pray before bed. It’s a little annoying, if I’m being honest,” said Margarita grumpily.
“Hey Joce what ar- oh. No. Did the tator tator tots come after you?” asked Joan as they walked in and started to look pale.
“Yeah, they ran away just in time though.” said Tequila quickly.
“Don’t speak for them honey,” said Joan quickly before turning their head at Luni and Angela, “I don’t tell people about your lives, you don’t say anything about mine.”
“Wait plural…?” asked Angela as Luni started getting to business.
“I assume you want us to take care of this?”
“Yes, your -abilities- should be useful.” said Joan, careful to not say anything too loudly.
“We’ll have dinner and then get going in the morning,” said Luni as they started to sit down.
“What? Oh- sure, yes,” said Angela as they sat down right next to Luni.
“Let us pray to Jeff almighty, for this food and the friend we have here and that are gone.” Joan said as they and their family glanced at the seat right next to Joan.
“What’s that about?” whispered Angela.
“How should I now?” muttered Luni back.
“…And Amen,” said Joan as they opened their eyes, “Now, let us dine.”
After they ate food they went to sleep and woke up in the morning to be sent to the attic.
“Huh?” asked Angela senselessly.
“You are to kick out the ‘rando’ living in the attic.” said Fyodor, “When they first started existence in the house they told the children they were an uncle from far away and were let in on multiple occasions. Blow up the attic and the basement and save everyone from the tator tator tots and you will be paid an unreasonable amount of money. If you do not survive you will at least get your own Wikipedia pages.”
“Wha-”
“We’ll take the job.” said Luni, interrupting Angela.
They used Joan’s ‘potato bombs’ to destroy the ‘uncles’ and scurried onto the battlefield once they got past the randos living in the basement and attic.
“So, Luni,” asked Angela as they ran around the government facility that the tator tator tots were being held in, “What do you think Joan will have us do once we are done with destroying the tator tator tots?”
“Nothing. They may never talk to us again. They did say they wanted to keep their children away from all the internet creeps that keep trying to steal Bobby and Bobby Ronald MacDonald Junior the I, even though nobody else knows about the children. I’ll contact them now.”
Luni was about to say something and try to contact Joan when they saw someone with amazing hair blocking the exit door that said ‘tator tots, tator tator tots IN HERE.’
“I am here from the U.S.A.D.O.K.Y.A (pronounced Us-ADO-kYa), and I will annihilate yo-!” said the dude with good hair, but he couldn’t finish his sentence because Angela was hugging him and crying as he started crying.
CHAPTER THREE: IN WHICH SOMEONE IS SOMEWHAT USEFUL
“You know what? I’m just not gonna ask,” said Luni as they walked into the tater tot lab and away from the aggressive couple(?).
Alright, you got this far just kick the buttocks of one of the tator tator tots, put in the microchip in your doggie bag, and run for your life, preferably with Angela and Angela’s ‘huz,’ but if you can’t save Angela’s ‘huz,’ I always hated most U.S.A.D.O.K.Y.A. agents anyway.
“Got it ma’am.” Luni slowly opened one of the tator tator tots jail cells, and got pummeled. This tater tot had sharp teeth. This particular tator tot (Shandralle) hated every human in existence, especially people who had been forced by a red head to date said red head and could sense them (it was apparently very annoying, like a sneeze and cough at the same time). Fortunately, Shandralle had absolutely nothing against people who simped for a fictional redheaded character.
“We! Can! Be! HELPFUL!” screamed Angela and her new ‘huz’ as Joan said.
“Thanks Ange-KIO??” screeched Luni seeing the dude with good hair in better lighting.
“That’s my name, don’t wear it out,” said Kio, his hair in ponytails because Angela has an interesting sense of humor.
After that they barely got out in time thanks to Angela’s pufferfish powers and they traveled to Mars to live on Project Possum’s colony, until all of them died at once (including the kidnapped butler Fyodor) because of allergies.
Enn vum Buch.