Lucid Dreaming 2
By Bethesda Eilers (and a crazy amount of help from Vivian Skogen!)
Prologue
A hysterical laugh echoed through the darkened halls of the musty castle.
“You can’t expect me to believe you!” said a harsh female voice as the laugh echoed through the halls. “They were a force of nature! A living tornado!”
“Ma’am … their body has been found. We are currently looking for anything that could be related but we have found nothing.” said a butler whose appearance matched the castle’s.
“You’re serious. Leave me to my thoughts. I have to talk to my siblings about this. Ugh. Schedule a meeting with all of them. Now.” said the harshed voiced women with strawberry blonde hair.
“Ma’am, how much I tell them?”
“That’s your problem not mine. I don’t know, say it’s for my birthday. No plus ones. Don’t bring the kids in… Grandmother and Grandfather. Tell them something that will make them come.”
“Yes ma’am.” the butler said as they left the room.
“Oh Mother … what am I going to do about you?” sighed the young lady clad in lace.
Chapter One
Day One: Evening
“Loren, do you know why Joluke called me here today?” a tall blonde woman with distinguished characteristics asked a short maid with a ponytail.
“I am not sure why Mistress Joluke did that. Maybe she wanted to see everyone again.”
“That would not explain why the children were not invited,” said the woman as she applied blush to her face. “Do you think this is Mother’s doing?” Loren did not respond.
“Loren?”
“Ah! Sorry Mistress Margarita, I drifted off for a moment there. Can you please repeat your question?”
“I asked if this was Mother’s doing.” said Margarita sternly.
“I don’t think it is the Madame’s doing, though I haven’t seen them around recently.” said Loren, looking as if they were recalling something.
“Thank you, Loren. Do please tell Joluke I’m coming.” said Margarita calmly.
“Yes ma’am.” said Loren, clearly excited to leave the room and its foul mood.
—————————
Nineteen chairs were around a huge round table with all but one with individuals in them. Everyone was confused but did not talk until a girl spoke up.
“Joluke, where is Mother?” asked a brunette tearing up sitting next to Margarita. “I do miss them as I have not seen them for months, since I went off to live in Pancakiestan as one of the council representatives, along with my partner.”
“Tequila calm yourself, though I am confused. Joluke, Mother would never not go to a celebration like this.” said Margarita, upsetting Tequila. “Unless of course something has happened to Mother.”
“Yes that… Of course you would have noticed that. You never miss anything do you. Well then, Ahem, Mother, Joan Thorrnwallow Spenciers, has died. Or as you would say, Paige and Noê, they gooone.” Joluke said as they glared at a young girl with bright blue hair and a young man with dark hair looking so confused and like he couldn’t understand older people and like he was silently judging.
Everyone gasped at this alarming news.
“Mother couldn’t have!”
“What?”
“Eighth … child … dead … Joan …”
“It’ll be okay honey, I’m sure something has just been misplaced. Remember when we thought they had tried to kill themself but they just holed up to watch the finale of My Hero Academia without spoilers seventy- five years after it originally aired?”
“This, th-this can’t be happening.”
“Whaaaat? I can’t hear anything right today! Mother couldn’t have died!”
“I told you the end was nigh!”
“This is totally different! The Earth isn’t going to explode!”
“But the economic system will die along with them!!!”
“AhhhhHHHHHH! STOP IT! SHUT THE *BEEP* UP!” said Paige as they turned towards Joluke. “Now! Jo, tell us what happened.”
“Well, Mother’s body was found yesterday. Dead.” sighed Joluke. “I was hoping we could read the will after this and have the funeral banquet. The doctors say it was muscle disease. And a bad one at that.”
“Why aren’t the aunties here?” asked Noê.
“We have too many, most of whom didn’t even know Mother. It wouldn’t make sense to invite any of them, I would be surprised if we could find a way to communicate with them.”
“No, I mean Mother’s right hand ladies. The aunties.” said Noê nervously. “If we are reading the will they would probably take quite a bit of the money.”
“I’ll call them here, no need to worry Noê,” said a beautiful girl that looked like a model or actress with black hair that sat perfectly on her porcelain skin. “I will also arrange the funeral banquet. Mother always said I had the taste of an exquisite interior decorator.”
“Not without my supervision you won’t.” said a girl that looked like the model but more serious, aged, and significantly less perfect.
“Thank you, Itzeyana and Wynry. Eat now and we can reassume this conversation with the aunties.” said Margarita, interrupting the fight between the twins.
—————————
Day Two: Morning
“Morning Ma’am! Up and at ‘em, that’s what the Madame always said and there’s nothing better than a lovely memory of your recently deceased one in the mornin’!” said an overly cheerful voice.
“What time is it Maceline?” Margarita was surprised she slept in long enough for anyone to wake her up.
“7:45 ma’am!” said Maceline, clearly excited by the existence of more than three people in the mansion. “Breakie’s in fifteen!”
“Oh no, where is my corset?” Margarita jumped out of bed and quickly started brushing her siky blonde hair as Maceline started getting Margarita’s makeup on and dresses out.
“What style o’ dress do you want today? Classy and mourning? Mourning but childish?” asked Maceline looking through the hallway of Margarita’s dresser.
“I want to look older,” said Margarita.
“A lotta things are said by how you dress, ya know?”
“That’s exactly why I want to look older. I want to look like the new head of the family.” explained Margarita as they looked at the hats they possessed that weren’t neon or vibrant, her mother’s favorite colors.
“Okay ma’am, but you know you might not get what you’re expectin’.” sighed Maceline.
“What do you mean? You think Mother would have given the place as head to anyone else?” asked Margeritta, almost laughing at the thought of it. “Almost all of my siblings are terrible at every other thing! I’m the oldest and most responsible. If Mother didn’t want to make me in charge why would she send me to all those schools and spend so much time teaching me how to run a business if she didn’t want me to take over?”
“Just …” Maceline sighed, “The reading of the will is on the 18th right?”
“Yes, why?” Margarita thought as they checked the time. “It’s almost 7:50! Just give me something that looks like I’m mourning them.”
“Yes ma’am!” Maceline was much better at dressing someone up fast and efficiently than small talk.
“Alright. Well it’ll have to do, I am going to the dining room early.” said Margarita as they tweaked the position of their tiny hat.
As Margarita walked through the halls to the dining room #8 She looked at all of the trinkets adorned on the walls of her recently deceased Mother’s home. Joan loved anything unsymmetrical or odd. Slightly different cover than the other books in the series and they would buy everything by the author. This was reflected by the architecture of the castle Joan created. Unless you were practically raised there you wouldn’t know where anything was. The map of the mansion reassembled a young child’s first drawing. Margarita suspected that the blueprint was, in fact, a drawing made by Joan firstborn. Joan’s first child died many years ago when Margarita was 14. Let me see if I can remember what they died of… car crash near school? What was their name? Hmm…
“Margarita? Is that you or am I hallucinating? I knew I should have eaten those
- Opium poppy (Papaver somniferum),
- Peyote (Lophophora williamsii),
- Salvia (Salvia divinorum),
- Cannabis (Cannabis sativa),
- Ayahuasca (Banisteriopsis caapi),
- Betel nut (Areca catechu),
- Tobacco (Nicotiana tabacum)
- And Jimsonweed (Datura stramonium).”
asked the reassuring voice of Tequila as they tapped Margarita on the shoulder.
“Don’t joke about hallucinations, it’s a serio-” Said Margarita as they looked to see Tequila wearing bright neon radioactive orange and some of the frim of her own pitch black dress.
“Ha! We look like opposites! I thought I had a few days to wear the bright colors Mother would undoubtedly love, but it looks like I will soon have to retire my orchid colored formal wear!” gaffawed Tequila.
“It seems so.” said Margarita, annoyed by Tequila’s obvious disrespect of tradition and familial tragedy.
“Stop being so uptight! We get to see everyone for once in a while! Relax and talk to Grandfather about some kind of bird breeding and you’ll get to hear a hilarious story!”
“Do I need to remind you sister dearest, our Mother just died.”
“Well you won’t see me all bedridden about it! Oh, there’s Zeya!” said Tequila as they ran ahead to talk to Itzeyana. “Cheese cheese cheese!”
As Margarita walked past a hall of tapestries, all with one or more stitches missing, when someone bumped into them.
“Sorry!” said the bright blue haired individual with a man with dark hair racing behind them.
“Oh, it’s just you Alessandra. You surprised me for a moment.” Margarita calmed at the sight of the frustrating Joluke’s quiet and creative twin.
“Sorry! I wasn’t looking where I was going.” said Alessandra as she moved her sketch book so whatever she was doing wasn’t visible.
“It’s okay Alessandra. How ‘bout we go to the dining room together? It’s been a long time since Mother hasn’t escorted us.”
“Oh! Of course! That sounds great!” said Alessandra obviously a little surprised about the invitation.
Margarita and Alessandra walked in as everyone gasped. Everyone in the dining room except the man with Alessandra looked horrified.
“Quick move before-” said Wynry as Joluke walked in and hissed disapprovingly.
“What are you doing sitting in Mother dearest’s seat?” said Joluke bitterly glaring daggers, swords, halberds and worse at the women.
“What? We can’t sit anywhere? *Enter rude comments and secretly super vulgar slurs here*.” said the brunette that appeared to be with Wynry.
“Nicoli, sit down next to me before you get in worse trouble.” said Wynry sternly.
“Nicoli was it? What makes you think you have the right to sit in the seat of the head of the house?” said Margarita.
“Please ignore her, she didn’t know Mother or anything about them. We only met around five years ago.” said Wynry, obviously exhausted about everything going on and ready for the day to end at 7 : 4 5.
“She is offending our Mother! After they JUST DIED! I will not stand this injustice!” said Joluke, hating Nicoli with every bone in her body right off the bat.
“You aren’t yelling at anyone else’s partners! Why are you so rude to me and my sister?” said Itzeyana rambunctiously trying to flip the table and failing but covering it up with more yelling. “You never acted like we were your siblings! I bet you never thought we counted as family!”
“Stop fighting! We are going to eat our food in peace with only the least important conversations going on! That’s what Joan would have wanted! The children are coming right now for the funeral banquet and you wouldn’t want any of them to see you in this unrighteous state would you? Until the will is read and the head of house is confirmed, me and my husband are incharge!” said an older lady with blonde streaks in their graying hair.
“Aster!”
“Grandmother, I can-”
“I won’t be hearing a peep out of you unless it’s about Whitney Townsend’s work in Shrubrews Plumbing! It’s a very nice place to get spare tools.” said Grandmother as she started talking about all of Whitney Townsend’s accomplishments in life.
Chapter Two
Day Two: Afternoon
“Mommy!” said the child with long hair that just demanded to be braided. “You were gone for thiiiiiiiiis long!”
“Did you eat everything Belle?” asked Tequila.
“No, I left thiiiiiiiiiiiis for you!” said Belle as she pulled out a half empty bag of cheetos from her suitcase.
“Yummy! Is that all in your suite case?”
“Yep! Whe- AHHH HEE HEE!” exclaimed Belle as Tequila picked her up.
“It’s time for a family meeting! You get to see all of your cousins and Aunties and Uncles today!” exclaimed Tequila.
“Will there be cheeses?” asked Belle seriously.
“I asked for seven different kinds! But we have to be very quiet while Great- Grandma is talking.” said Tequila, with extra emphasis on ‘Great- Grandma.’
“OkkkkkkAAAAAAAAAAAY!” (to the ahhhahhh in Wicked.)
“Mommy?” asked a sick sounding voice. “Is that you?”
“Yes, Braelanntine! It is me!”
“What’s the meeting about?” asked Braelanntine, sounding the same as she looked, half dead.
“It’s a SECRET!!!”
“Hi sweetheart.” said a young person with orange on the tips of their short dark hair.
“Crimson! I’m happy you could come! Even though this is by far the second most depressing family reunion in my life.” said Tequila as they embraced Crimson, almost forgetting to let go because of a sparkly necklace, thankfully Crimson shoved her off before they choked.
“Wait, what was the most?” asked Crimson as they chuckled to themself.
“My brother was coming home from college and he didn’t come off his plane. Apparently he never got on it because he had died the day before.” said Tequila calmly as she sneezed on Belle rudely.
“Lets hope that stays the most depressing family reunion so far.”
————————
“Joan is dead. I am sorry to say Joan is dead. Because of Myasthenia gravis. She was a… person that wouldn’t want to be complimented and we are going to hold a funeral tomorrow, and the reading of the will will be in two days. Goodbye.”
“Perfect thing to tell a group of mostly children. Great.” said Paige sourly while holding her baby, Banana.
“Mommy, is Grammy really…” asked Belle, tearing up.
“Dead as a doorbell!”
“It’s supposed to be de-de-dead as a doornail.” said Belle as she promptly started to sob.
“Okay, what do you want to do before dinner?” asked Tequila cheerfully despite holding the hands of two pale, depressed looking twin children, one crying so hard the other didn’t have to blink.
“Sleep.” answered Braelanntine, looking emotionally scarred.
Braelanntine and Belle walked silently to their rooms before sleeping until way past dinner.
—————————
Day Three: Morning
“Tequila! Wake up!” yelled Margarita through the door of Tequila’s room.
“NoooooooOOOOOOOO.” said Tequila sleepy.
“Emmy, we’re going to miss the start of the funeral!”
“FfffffffINE.” grumbled Tequila as she rolled out of bed and grabbed the darkest dress she had, which was a navy blue dress with yellow accents.
Once Tequila had retreated from her room they started to head to Belle’s and Braelanntine’s rooms. “You just want to see the kids, don’t you?” asked Tequila, gaining her posture back. “Oh, and are you a bird?”
“No, I would never do something as preposterous as that, and I am not a bird, for the last time Emmy!”
“Where can I find a bird?” muttered Tequila as they approached Belle and Braelanntine’s rooms.
“Belle! Braelanntine! Auntie Margarita and Mother are here to see you!” said Margarita as they started to hear someone throwing things around.
“Grammy?” said a voice through a crack in the door. “Oh. Just Mommy and Auntie Ritte.”
“We’re coming!” said Belle loudly as they closed the door.
“They are obviously mourning them. What did you say this time?” sighed Margarita.
“Why do you think it has anything to do with me? It could be either of their parents.” said Tequila defensively.
“ReAAAAAAAAdYYYYYY,” interupted Braelanntine enthusiastically. “Did I impress you with my PISSASS?”
“Very much so honey.” said Margeritta as they glared at Tequila.
—————————
“They weeeeereeeeeee … Nice! And um … they noticed at a young age I excelled at math. And other stuff. And they enrolled me in Phantasmagoria University. It’s not even on Earth so … Mother did a good job? And they also did many other good things? Like …”
“Oh my god Symphony. How bad at public speaking can you be?” giggled Crimson.
“Crimson, are you a bird?” asked Tequila, not caring about the idea of a ‘conversation that flows like water or a beautiful river,’ which her sister stated an unhealthy amount.
“Always.”
“Here!” said Tequila as they shoved a fistful of birdseed into Crimson’s face. “I’m surprised Noê hasn’t sobbed a flood yet. They cry super easy. If I wanted a pool I would just make them watch Dumbo. Last time we watched Cowboy Bebot they cried. Because the theme song ‘was way too aggressive.’ Noê is funny though.”
“Why did Sym volunteer to go first? They are really terrible at this stuff.” said Crimson while taking notes on the family.
“They wanted to get it over with. Mom might have been a meteorologist.” said Tequila, bored and waiting for the funeral to be over.
“Yep.”
“Mommy, when will we hear Grammy’s voice again?” Braelanntine asked Tequila.
“I don’t know. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe never.”
“Wait, meteorologist? I thought they loved mushrooms,” whispered Crimson.
“They said Myasthenia gravis was how they died. It takes people in their 20s, 30s or 60s.” someone whispered to Crimson and Tequila.
“Ah!” whispered Crimson.
“Hi Bobby Ronald MacDonald Junior the I!” said Emmy.
“Uncle Bobby Ronald MacDonald Junior the I, do you know why Grammy’s taking a nap?” asked Braelanntine, confused.
“Mother’s dead.” explained Bobby Ronald Macdonald Junior the I. “Grandfather said they would throw a fit if they couldn’t get volunteers to inject orange juice in someone’s bloodstream before they died. Somehow this goal was achieved.”
“Just who was your parent? I knew you were well off enough to not talk about your family inheritance, and even have a family inheritance and a will, but they seem to be someone kinda important.” asked Crimson.
“They were only important if you think about the economic system,” said Itzeyana.
“It is Zeya, stop acting like Mother had a normal job.” Wynry snapped at Itzeyana. “They owned a crazy amount of huge companies. You could say they were a small business owner but you’d be mostly lying.”
“They owned Karla’s Bad Decision Spa and Daycare.” explained Bobby Ronald Macdonald Junior the I.
“Even if they had given the companies to what would be a good owner the world would die because of not enough of the constant nourishment Mother gave. They were an economic genius with eleven kids and a price of, and I quote, and I’m quoting them here, ‘Five bucks plus sales tax, mark- up, and discount.’” said Itzeyana. “Basically, we’ll have an AI pretend to be them so it’s just as random as before and so no more people die.”
“Psst! We need another child of Joan to give a speech!” whispered an event organizer into the clump of siblings.
“I’ll go.” whispered Tequila.
“You just want to get this over with don’t you.” chuckled Itzeyana.
“Nope. I am just looking for the birds.”
Chapter Three
Day Three: Early Morning
“ARRRRRGGGGGH-” he screamed as a knife was pierced through his throat and the blood started pooling. He looked up at the face of his killer, a face he knew far too well.
Chapter Four
Day Three: Morning
“Mistress Wynry, it is time to wake up.” said a maid with a stoic voice that matched her face.
“Nooooooooooo.” grumbled Wynry. “Debbie, you must haaaaaaaaaate me.”
“Miss Nicoli is waiting for you. There is an apparently emergency family meeting.” said Deborah. “Last time anyone of yous said that, it either meant you were hungry or had a-”
“Okay I’m awake!” said Wynry, speedily jumping out of bed.
—————————
Okay, We just shouldn’t draw attention to ourselves. Thought Wynry. Just pretend to not exist and get through a few more days before we can never have to see them again. I came ‘cause of Mother, and it’s just my luck that they are gone forever. Let’s just get this over with.
“What is going on?” asked Itzeyana, obviously starting to hate the emergency family meetings. “This is disrupting my beauty sleep. I need to go back to work in a week!” she exclaimed dramatically.
“Your brother was found dead.” said Grandmother Aster in the same tone if they were saying they needed to go to the grocery and pick up some bread and tea later.
“He’s right there Grandmother, it doesn’t seem like I am fourteen again and am depressed for a week because of it.” said Tequila while pointing at Noè and Symphony. “Both of them.”
“I-it was Bobby R-ronald Macdonald Ju-junior the I-i.” sobbed Grandfather as Grandmother patted his back with a huge grin on their face.
“He’s dead! Some amazing individual plunged a knife down his throat and it touched his thyroid before it could be too painful.” said Grandmother as they basically danced around the table with the will in their hands. “All his stuff goes to Joan, so more stuff in the running for the winner!”
“Hehe! Grandmother you are hilarious! He always acted as if his stomach aches were worth the price of death!” exclaimed Itzeyana happily.
“Does your Grandmother know what pain is?” asked Nicoli a little sarcastically.
“They had over 3 billion children before eighth grade,” said Wynry with a straight face. “And stopped only after college.”
“Ha! You’re joking!” said Nicoli.
“Nope. Grandfather gave birth to at least six himself.” said Itzeyana, finding every opportunity to be snotty. “They lived off of sprite and previously eaten almonds before Joan created Karla’s Bad Decision Spa and Daycare.”
“And we gave no su-support to Joan.” said Grandfather as he started to tear up. “Th-they were so good at being annoyingly resilient!”
“Joluke, we are being killed off here! Do you even know who killed Bobby Ronald MacDonald Junior the I?” accused Margarita.
“I am just as asleep, if not more than, you! I learned this at the same time you did!” hissed Joluke.
“We are the ones who were first informed,” said Grandmother in a less cheerful tone. “The staff knew that ‘Madame always knows first, so just tell the most differential guests after something happens, just in case.’ We are the parents of the beloved Joan, and I would argue that we are very differential.”
“But who killed him?” asked Nicoli boredly. “Bobby Robert Wendy’s, whatever his name is. Your Mother really had a bad taste when it came to names.”
“Bobby Ronald MacDonald Junior the I.” said Symphony. “He changed his name by himself, and it was a terrible decision.”
“We … have yet to find that out, but most of our maid and butlers had gone home, and we didn’t find them until the morning.” said Grandmother calmly.
“Okay, however was still here had to have killed him right?” asked Nicoli. “One of your workers, I mean. Someone with a reason to kill him.”
“Nicoli, the only people who were still here other than us were a butler that has been with us for over thirty years, an sixty year old cook who only speaks Dutch, German, and Latin and therefore needs a translator to speak to any of us (except for Joan), and a maid who was hired eight days after Joan died who needed wifi to call her dying aunt. It has to have been one of us.” said Grandfather, stopping sobbing while sharing the puzzle with his Grandchild- in- law.
“What about the security cameras? They’re everywhere, was your Mother- Joan paranoid?”
“Joan would have wanted you to call them Mx. Thornwallow- Spencer.” said Grandmother as they glared at Nicoli. “But they would have liked your moxie so we’ll let it pass.”
“The security cams don’t have batteries. Joan liked having their health insurance to be making enough money to buy the hospital, and their parental controls on devices to be that they said there were parental controls.” explained Grandfather.
“Were any of the servants near Bobby Ronald MacDonald Junior the I’s wing?” asked Itzeyana, starting to like the suspense that came with murder.
“Cook Noor in the West kitchen, Lacy was in the graveyard digging a hole sixteen feet under until he fainted on someone else’s grave and was cursed. He is now apologizing to the grave. Ebony Herrington was in Joan’s goldfish pantry #000483696.”
“#000483695 was a better design.” muttered Margarita.
“So… whoever killed Bobby Ronald MacDonald Junior the first is in this room?”asked Wynry as they looked around the room at all the faces in, they looked like her family she knew and loved somewhere deep in her heart. Who out of her lovely family could be a murderer?
Chapter Five
Day Four: Midday
‘Bobby Ronald MacDonald Junior the I is dead.’ Itzeyana was thoroughly thinking about who could have killed Bobby Ronald MacDonald Junior the I and why, so they made a list.
Grandmother. Means; Motive; Opportunity;
Grandfather. Means; Motive; Opportunity;
Margarita. Means; Motive; Opportunity;
Tequila. Means; Motive; Opportunity;
Wynry. Means; Motive; Opportunity;
Symphony. Means; Motive; Opportunity;
Joluke. Means; Motive; Opportunity;
Alessandra. Means; Motive; Opportunity;
Noê. Means; Motive; Opportunity;
Paige. Means; Motive; Opportunity;
Joan. Means; Motive; Opportunity
Itzeyana pondered a bit and decided to add,
Bobby Ronald MacDonald Junior the I. Means; Motive; Opportunity;
Itzeyana started with Grandmother. Motive was easy for this one, Grandmother hated Bobby Ronald MacDonald Junior the I, mostly because he was often annoying. Many times he and Joan had fought over something as dumb as going to work or not while sick. Means was a little harder. Grandmother would have made it as painful of a death as possible, and even through dozens of walls, it would have been very loud. Not Grandmother then. Thought Itzeyana as she crossed her name out.
Grandfather felt Bobby Ronald MacDonald Junior the I was nice, and often talked to him during long dinners when Joan got drunk and debated everyone about dumb ideas. Itzeyana crossed out his name.
Itzeyana knew from experience Margarita easily got mad but let it go until all the little inconveniences piled up and it was a tempest for a teacup. Margarita, like the rest of the family, had taken martial arts, and the only way that Joan would let them stop classes was to become a black belt. Opportunity was easy, after ten pm no one cared where you were, and all the servants were in the kitchen planning what to do the next day. It would have been easy to kill him then. Itzeyana starred Margarita.
Tequila was best friends with Bobby Ronald MacDonald Junior the I, so it couldn’t be her. Wynry fought with Bobby Ronald MacDonald Junior the I once or twice, but it was never something that could be big enough to induce this. Symphony was too sweet and didn’t know anyone long enough to actually end up being this mad at them. Itzeyana crossed them all out.
Joluke got very mad very easily when it came to older siblings. The longer they’ve been alive, the easier it is for Joluke to get mad. Joluke was always threatening people with knives, poisons, really anything she thought she could get her hands on. Joluke quite often roamed the halls during the night, usually just to get a snack, but you always heard her coming. Itzeyana starred her.
Alessandra just didn’t talk to anyone much. She chatted once or twice with Bobby Ronald MacDonald Junior the I, but they didn’t seem to be friends or enemies. Noê barely talked to anyone other than Alessandra, Joluke, and Paige, so there wasn’t a big possibility that he had any feelings whatsoever about Bobby Ronald MacDonald Junior the I. Paige was smart enough to only talk to people who could help them in the future so they only talked to Bobby Ronald MacDonald Junior the I, probably twice.
Bobby Ronald MacDonald Junior the I. He was a sad soul, never liked life, always complaining, so it was possible he could have cut it off short, but it never seemed like he actually would.
It was too depressing to think about, so Itzeyana looked at the next name on the list. Joan. Their Mother had always said. When speaking of Joan, call them Joan. Writing their name on anything that had to do with the family was so instinctive that Itzeyana had written it without a second thought. The last time they had heard from their Mother was a few weeks before they passed was in a letter talking about what candy the new prime minister liked and what flower bloomed at the mansion and other frivolous things. Itzeyana had sent them another letter that was replied with an I miss you hun! Hope to see you soon and meet the newest family member! That was, now that they think about it was sent the day they passed away.
Chapter Six
Day Five: Morning
“Today is a sad day. Today we think of the g-good times we had with Bobby Ronald MacDonald Junior the I a-and remem-member how much we loved him.” said Grandfather, as he started to tear up. “I just can’t do this Aster!”
“Sorry, I’ll be taking over now.” said Paige as she took the microphone from Grandfather’s tear covered hands. “As Grandfather was saying, today is a day of mourning and grief. This is the funeral of our beloved brother, Bobby Ronald MacDonald Junior the I. I would like to remind you that Bobby Ronald MacDonald Junior the I’s funeral will be different from Mother’s, after all this is basically a get- together about Bobby Ronald MacDonald Junior the I. Feel free to mingle and I would like to remind you that concessions are on the blue table in the back.”
Symphony spaced out for a few minutes thinking about the fragility of life and the concept of doing your best to change the world in the small time and blah blah blah boring thoughts about life, stuff you don’t really want to read about if you are reading this. When his thoughts were interrupted.
“Hey, Symphony? Can you pass me some napkins?” asked a man with long dark hair. “I’m so sorry, Alessandra was feeding Kirky when she spilled.”
“Oh, no problem!” said Symphony as he awkwardly grabbed a bunch of napkins. Symphony looked at the baby Alessandra was holding and was wondering who’s baby it was. It can’t be their’s … they’re only twenty- one!
The dark haired man noticed Symphony staring at Kirky. “Do you want to hold him?”
Alessandra finally looked up. “Leo! Don’t bother …”
“Symphony. If it wouldn’t be an aggravation, I love to hold Kirky.” said Symphony calmly.
Alessandra shoved Kirky into Symphony’s arms, and he almost dropped her. Leo watched over Symphony as he looked at the beautiful baby.
“She’s beautiful, right?” asked Leo. “I’d say she takes after me, but she doesn’t look like either of us.”
“She reminds me of Mother.” Symphony suddenly started tearing up thinking about Joan and Leo immediately apologized and scooped her up.
“Now that you mention it … She really does.” said Alessandra. “Huh.”
“Wow, your Mother must have really been a beauty.” said Leo. “I wish I could have met her, now.”
“They weren’t as much stunning in the pretty fashion, but more in a confusing way,” said Alessandra. “Like Duddley from Harry Potter getting hit in the face by his parents.”
“Yeah, what really reminds me of them is the way she looks at you.” responded Symphony. “They always looked at you as if you were important and significant. Of course that and the way they held themselves made them perfect for their job.”
“Yeah, even if you didn’t see them as our Mother, you’ve probably seen them on the news, though they refused to ever disclose their name when on television or being written about in a book. They even used a pen name while writing.” said Alessandra.
“Interesting. What was their pen name?” asked Leo.
“They didn’t even tell us. Just said that they hoped that we wouldn’t ever have to read their works. I used to look through the library for any books that showed their face at the ‘about the author’ part.”
“Well, won’t you get the book money from the deceased author that has made books?” asked Leo.
“That’s … an interesting thought,” said Symphony. “I wonder what will happen when it comes to that during the reading of the will.”
“Wait, you mean that you haven’t thought about the will at all yet?!” asked Joluke.
“No, not really. Why, have you?” asked Symphony.
“Of course I have! None of us know what will happen to us after that dummy! For all I know they could have just said, ‘Well by the time I’m dead y’all can make enough money to live off of on your own!’” catastrophised Joluke.
“I don’t think Mother would have actually done that,” said Alessandra.
“Shut the *BEEP* up Alessandra!You get to have a *BEEP*ing kid! When I wanted anything like that, and you know I would be a perfect mom, I’ve had much worse luck! I don’t know how you survived with a camel in your stomach!” cursed Joluke as she pointed at her enormous stomach.
“Don’t curse around the baby!” said Leo.
“Joluke,” said Alessandra calmly. “We were just talking about how we think Kirky looks like Mother.”
“HA! That’d be one ugly baby! It would be a miracle if it looked as beautiful as me.”
“Anyway, who do you think will get most of the inheritance?” asked Leo.
“Not us,” said Alessandra. “But I know that for sure Mother will give us more than we need. I wouldn’t say they loved us, but they definitely had high hopes for us that they would support almost unconditionally.”
“That’s an interesting thought. You do know that Mother was a fan of practical jokes, and this would be a huge one, guaranteed to make them laugh?” said Margarita with her namesake in her hand.
“Margarita, are you drinking?” asked Paige.
“Well, I thought Mother might appreciate it.” Margarita winked. “And Bobby Ronald MacDonald Junior the I would laugh a little too.”
“You are extremely drunk,” said Paige. “Sorry I’ll take her somewhere she can cause a little less trouble. Hey, who hired the bartender?!” Paige glanced at Symphony as if to say, You aren’t part of the family, you don’t belong here.
“It was Mother’s.” said Margarita.
“… What?” asked Symphony.
“Mother’s favorite bartender.” Margarita looked off in the distance. “Sym, do you remember them? Mother said that their best friends were the drink and the person who made it. Ha! They sound more drunk than I am not.” she said as Paige dragged her off.
“… Well, if anything now I want Kirky to be even more like your Mother. They sound absolutely awesome. What were they like?” Leo asked Symphony.
“I don’t know,” said Symphony. “They raised me and at age seven sent me off to a crazy prestigious school humans aren’t even supposed to go to. They taught me how to cross dress as a suit and I saw them thirteen times after that. Actually, today was going to be the thirteenth. Twelve times I got the privilege of seeing my Mother. And then they were gone.”
Chapter Seven
Day Seven: Morning
It was the morning before the reading of the will, that would start at luncheon. Almost everyone in the dining room was tense. Surprisingly, it was Symphony who broke the silence.
“Um, isn’t it your due date Joluke?” he asked nervously.
“Yes. It is.” Joluke responded.
“I hope you don’t miss the amazing time of worrying and disappointment because you are in antagonizing pain.” said Tequila while eating quiche.
“Neither of those options sound good,” said Alessandra.
“She was being sarcastic, Alessandra.” said Margarita. “Though both are terrible things I would not wish upon my greatest enemy.”
“It’s not so bad after a few times. You get used to it.” said Grandfather.
“… Childbirth?” asked Nicoli.
“Uh-huh.” said Grandfather as he choked down Joan’s worst possible idea ever, ‘Pesto and New York Hot Dog Flavored Croissant Casserole Topped With Hot Sauce Only Dogs and Birds Can Handle.’
“Oh, what is that?” asked Leo. “Can I have some?”
From across the table Ryhanin tried to warn Leo with a death expression but Leo didn’t see and soon Nicoli tried to join in too.
“Well, I guess I’ll have some too,” said Nicoli.
“Wynry, hyw- ay rntae- ay we- ay ppingsto- ay amth- ay?” said Itzayana in pig latin.
“It’s alright to have fun sometimes.” Wynry shrugged. “Also she totally deserves the ‘joy’ of Mother’s home cooking.”
“Wait, your Mother made this?” asked Leo.
“It was the last thing they did before they died,” said Joluke calmly lying.
“… Are you sure you don’t want any? As part of their family I mean.” asked Leo. “You should treasure this!”
“No, go ahead. After all, you are part of the family.” said Margarita, smiling quietly, not able to contain the excitement of someone new eating the terrible casserole.
After being served, Leo shoved a lot in his mouth, swallowed it all, and started coughing and trying to get it out of their mouth. Margarita was sitting with her hand over her head, with her face down from trying to hide the laughing.
“Oh my that is a … distinguishing flavor.” Leo looked at his plate of glop and started to look a little green.
Joluke’s stomach was churning, but she just thought it was seeing the ‘casserole’ and watching people painfully eat it.
“It’s obviously pesto, tomato, celery, ketchup, maybe some … OH! Hot dog flavored croissant casserole topped with hot sauce that only dogs and birds can handle. Obviously.” said Nicoli. “Oh, and your Mother didn’t make this. Straight out of the oven, and put in the freezer without a lid is a totally different taste than made a few days ago, then left out for eight hours and reluctantly put in the fridge with a lid on.” said Nicoli as she finished off her plate. “Amazing flavoring.”
“She’s a judge for a lot of food competitions.” said Wynry. “She was even on the GREAT BRITISH BAKING SHOW.”
“This is just to say that I have eaten the plums that were in the icebox which you were probably saving for breakfast. Forgive me they were delicious. So sweet. So cold.” recited Nicoli.
“Wait, was all that true?” asked Leo.
Itzeyana nodded. “Mother created a torture meathod that was appetizing enough for a starving person to eat, get dysentery, and eventually die from. They made a harmless version for us to see how it tasted and said it was their life’s work. Sym was lucky enough to eat it significantly less than the rest of us. Anyway, the, somewhat illegal, recipe is something our cook always makes at family gatherings, and makes infinitely better than Mother. Mother went to a convenience store to buy all of the ingredients, including the pans and stuff, and entered the kitchen with no experience. It was much worse than this.”
Joluke’s stomach was starting to hurt a lot more than earlier.
“Just thinking about what the people they made it for had to endure, yeesh they should have stayed away from them.” said Margarita.
“Allthough, on the other hand, if they had made our Mother that mad, it was probably for a good reason.” said Paige.
“They tried to create a law about badly flavored pringles,” said Margarita.
“Philadelphia cheesesteak flavored pringles is a terrible idea in the first place.” responded Paige. “The pringles company should have known what they were getting into.”
“That does sound really bad,” said Leo.
“In my professional opinion, those are the work of the devil and corporate leaders,” said Nicoli.
“They wrote an article about ways to get rid of them for ‘Victims of Philadelphia Cheesesteak Flavored Pringles.’ And a reparation for them. They made commercials for the reparation of millions of dollars!”
“Mother would have never made such a bad decision as that,” said Paige defensively.
“Mother had eleven children before dying.” said Margarita. “And raised them to be amazing business people, geniuses, and good parents but couldn’t teach them how to get along with their siblings.”
“I don’t believe you,” said Paige. “We are all best of friends, are we not?”
“You don’t believe that Symphony is your brother, even though he came to as many events in your life as possible. When our older brother died, you came up to me and asked for me to make you a snack. He died in a violent car crash!” said Margarita.
Joluke was starting to feel like someone was stabbing knives into her stomach.
“I-i… I was only three, I had barely met him, give a-”
Joluke had interrupted Paige with screeching that notified the staff she was going into labor. The staff quickly ran her to the hospital in the mansion. The only thing she was thinking at the time was that she hated the thought that her baby would have to grow up without a grandparent.
Chapter Eight
Day Seven: Morning
Alessandra had just seen her twin sister being dragged out of the dining room screaming on a rolling table, because it was the closest thing to a hospital bed in that part of the mansion.
“Do whatever the doctor says!” yelled Grandmother in Joluke’s general direction. “That rarely actually works, but it doesn’t hurt to try.”
“Except for that time,” said Grandfather.
“Which time?” asked Grandmother.
“You know.” said Grandfather as he aggressively glanced at the kids. “That time.”
“Ohhhhhh. Yeah, that was bad.” said Grandmother.
“I’d ask what you are talking about but I don’t think knowing would help me much.” said Paige. “Would it?”
“Do you know that common thorn apple and white thorn apple have very different ways to poison you?” asked Alessandra because Grandmother and Grandfather were obviously talking about the time an experienced doctor poisoned multiple of their children by accident.
Grandmother and Grandfather tried to hide their surprise that Alessandra knew what they were talking about, but conventionally failed. Thankfully for them, Paige chimed in.
“Interesting. What does that have to do with doctors?” asked Paige
“Physostigmine is the antidote, but different kinds of thorn apple do different things to the human body. Common thorn apple kills herbivores with a racing heart, high temperature, and eventually the block of your urination kills you.”
“Is that really possible?!” asked Noê before they slapped their hands over their face. “Sorry, go ahead.”
“But white thorn apple makes you hallucinate and eventually puts you to sleep,” continued Alessandra. “It can be used for putting someone to sleep, and I’m sure only some people died from it.”
“How many people does it take for you to notice and stop using it? Sounds like it destroyed more lives than most mammal eating sharks.” said Leo.
Alessandra shrugged. “I think Kirky needs a diaper change.”
“ Didn’t you leave Kirky because you thought she wouldn’t like the fighting sounds your siblings make?” asked Leo.
“… I can tell using telepathy that Kirky needs me right now.” said Alessandra
—————————
When Alessandra got back to their rooms, they immediately fell into bed and ignored Kirky. When they woke up it was Leo shaking them because they were going to be late to the reading of the will. When they finally made it there, they were the last people there and Kirky was irritated.
“Well, now that all of us are here, we can start,” said a lawyer looking person. “Joan asked for their will to be read by themselves in a video, which I am starting now.” The lawyer looking person did not start it then because she couldn’t get her computer to connect to the projector.
When the video finally did start, a college aged person with long blonde hair was holding a five year old that didn’t look like a sibling Alessandra recognized. “Oh, is it finally working? Hooray! Ahem, hello future family! This is Joan Spencer and I am reading out my will, and shall add more on later, so you’ll see older me’s! Okay so first … young Joan read off a list of names of workers in the mansion and assistants, and the names of two people Alessandra didn’t know. “Evengeline Thornwallow shall take over my company, and Karla Spencer will be in charge after them.” People around the room started mumbling, assumingly about Evangeline and Karla. Joan said goodbye and another video started. “Is it on? How am I supposed to know? Oh, apologies, future colleagues.” an older Joan with short hair and two twin babies in their arms that Alessandra recognized as Margarita and Tequila. “I am Joan Thorrnwallow Spenciers and I am here to change my will. In the case of my sudden death, Karla Spencer will take hold of my company. In the case of my long and suffering death, I will have a table of advisors take over until I finally die, and Karla is in charge.” A tired and depressed looking Joan added several more employees to the will and carried on. All the other videos were about the same, a child or two in arm that everyone fawns over, naming a few more people who high- fived colleagues as they had mentioned, a few people who had died taken out, and the mysterious Karla was mentioned every time before the eighth to last. Joan’s hair had been as long as during the first video, but it was suddenly short again. “Hello, esteemed future colleagues.” Joan wasn’t holding a kid for the first time. “I am Joan Thorrnwallow Spenciers, and I am here to change my will.” Joan’s attire was dark and dreary, and they were wearing a necklace with a piece of mushroom in it. “In the case of my death Lady Noor D’alenchate will take over everything to do with my companies.” Joan listed a few more people to add to the will and the next videos, which only had to do with adding employees to the will all had short haired Joan with the same mushroom in a capsule necklace which slowly decayed over the rest of the videos. Alessandra tried to think of times they had or hadn’t seen Joan wearing that necklace and missed the part where Joan included them and all of their siblings in the will.
“Did you hear that?” asked Leo.
“No. What did they say?” asked Alessandra.
“They said that Alessandra Georgia Thorwallow- Spencer inherits twenty million dollars on the date of their Mother’s death!” said Leo. “That’s too much money.”
“We’ll donate most of it to museums and authors and women’s shelters,” said Alessanda. “And with the rest we’ll raise Kirky to become as much like their amazing Grandmother as possible.”
Chapter Nine
Day Eight: Afternoon
It was the day before everyone left and Noê was thinking about the will. Joan at first apparently is only Joan Spencier, even though all of their children were Thorrnwallow- Spenciers. And immediately after being just a Spencer, they become a Thorrnwallow- Spencier. Noê was wondering about the mysterious Evangeine so they looked them up. Evangeline Eleocadia Thornwallow went to the Olympics multiple times for luge and won gold before college, quit to become a documentary director and died at twenty seven years old. Oh, that’s why I remember them, they starred in Nomi’s favorite mockumentary, Eng extensiv Gschicht vu Shampooing and Champignon- Glace! Noê was looking more into Evangeline Eleocadia Thornwallow when they got a call.
“Hello, Noê speaking.” he said as he answered.
“Noê -BZZT- baby! Aga -BZZT- Liyah is so cute!” said Joluke as she cut out.
“Joluke, I can’t hear you! Mother needs-” Noê almost said that their Mother needed to fix the internet, as he said every time he visited.
“W -BZZT- at? I’m ta -BZZT- ng ‘bout -BZZT- baby.” said Joluke.
“Oh, you didn’t die? I mean, do you know anything about the athlete/ actor/ writer/ director Evangeline Eleocadia Thorrnwallow?” asked Noê.
“Tho -BZZT- allow? That’s No -BZZT- ast name, right?” said Joluke.
“Yeah, I was researching them because they were mentioned in the will at the same time when Mother’s Thorrnwallow part of their name wasn’t.” said Noê. “They won eight medals in the Olympics, and then got into show business.”
“Hmmm … The name sounds famili -BZZT- … what movies were they in?” asked Joluke.
“Only a handful. Werewolf Cascadium, La Les Lettres En Chocolat, Eng Extensiv Gschicht vu Shampooing and Champignon- Glace, Scream X I I, Harry Potty and the Sudden Case of Homosexuality-” Noê was reading a list off of a wikipedia page on them.
“Dip me in chalk and call me a limestone conglomerate! Mother’s favorite movie and mine too! What’d they do in Harry Potty and the Sudden Case of Homosexuality?” asked Joluke.
“Um … voice of lady selling anagrams?” answered Noê.
“Oh, during the pa -BZZT- in Diagon Alley … Oh I loved that anime!” exclaimed Joluke.
“Anyway, do you know anything about Evangeline?” asked Noê. “They seem like they had something to do with us.”
“Hmmm … you should probably ask Aless -BZZT- about it. They know more about that -BZZT- ff then me.” said Joluke. “I’ll call if I le -BZZT- anything though. Oh, Analise is wake -BZZT- up, I need to go. Byeeeee!”
“Bye.” Noê decided that Joluke was right, and Alessandra would know more so they called them.
“Hey Alessandra.” said Noê.
“Mmmmmm wha?” asked Alessandra.
“It’s Noê, your sibling, calling,” said Noê. “I was wondering if you knew anything about Eva-”
“Eva Sarlack, Evan Munroe, or Evailiagle Eviil?” said Alessandra, suddenly waking up. “Actor, volleyball player, and movie script writer. Right?”
“Nope, no, and nah. They all sound like cool people, but I’m looking for Evangeline Thorrnwallow.” said Noê. “If you nee-”
“Evangeline Eleocadia Thorrnwallow. Olympic medal winner in Luge 1 9 3 2, Ac-” said Alessandra.
“1 9 3 2 ?!” yelled Noê. “That was before Grandmother was born!”
“Yes, I am fairly sure that whoever wrote that Wikipedia page was wrong,” said Alessandra. “Anyway, they were born in late April in 2011, died in 2033, and were a actor, script writer, director, and … I am looking more up now…”
“Is there anything that they could have to do with Mother?” asked Noê.
“Um … found a random article in the infamous Thurgood Journal… ‘Evangeline Thorrnwallow is said to have met up with famous authors Thari Noraps Jonnes and Wlelw C.’ That could be one of Joan’s pen names. I am looking for a picture of them now …”
“Can you send me the article?” asked Noê.
“Already did. You should see it soon … You know how the internet is here.” This entire visit was making Noê more and more frustrated with their late Mother’s decisions, as did every other visit.
“Aha! Found a fan drawing that is a child’s drawing of the authors’ pictures in comparison … of the drawings the authors used instead of actual pictures.”
“Urgh. So close yet so far. Send that to me please.” Noê’s phone dinged. “Oh, I got the article! I’m reading it now.”
Evangeline Thorrnwallow is said to have met up with famous author Thari Noraps Jonnes and/ or their writing partner Wlelw C. In this picture you can see a picture of them sitting together, and you can easily see Evangeline’s iconic scar on her face. You can also see the matching tattoos on Thari Jonnes and Wlelw C.’s right and left arms, of a sloth violently killing a flamingo.
“This article probably isn’t gonna help,” said Noê. “It’s just a rumor mill.”
“The pictures don’t even match the authors’ anyway. Just in case, I’ll look up more about Thari Noraps Jonnes and Wlelw C.” said Alessandra.
Noê sighed. “Worth a try.” His phone dinged again. “Oh, those must be the pictures!” Noê studied the picture. A drawing of a tall woman with long brown hair that curled wearing overalls next to a drawing of a short, short blonde haired, with nerdy glasses that shined so you couldn’t see their eyes, wearing a sundress. They were holding their arms together so you could see the matching tattoo, which, when next to each other, made a picture of a sloth with a guillotine violently beheading a calm and relaxed flamingo.
“Well, they seem like people Joan would talk to,” said Noê. “But they don’t seem to have anything to do with Nomi or Evangeline.”
“Or they could be Joan’s pen name and/ or pen names, and Evangeline could have been a total stranger that Joan thought was cool. You know how they are.” pointed out Alessandra.
“True.” Noê sighed. “What books did they write? We can see if they are in any of the libraries.”
“Would Mother put their books in the library and run the chance of us finding it and reading it?” said Alessandra.
“Good point.” Noê sighed. “There’s still a chance though.”
“Oh wow. Two gigantic series and a handful of short stories. They all seem like retellings of other things though. Mystery novels, fairy tales, romance stories. You name it and they rewrote it. They’re all young adult novels … they seem to shed a lot of blood in them. Now that doesn’t seem very Joan.” said Alessandra.
“It was worth a try,” said Noê. “Call me when you learn more.”
—————————
Noê took a seven hour nap after calling Alessandra and almost slept through dinner. When he got to the dining hall, he was extremely late, and everyone else had started eating.
After Noê had sat down and started eating, Grandmother asked him a question. “Noê what are you going to do once you get home?”
Noê choked on his food a bit before responding. “Work on creatnig hybrid ladybug and angel of sleep roses.”
“Interesting. What about you Margarita?” asked Paige.
“What else? Continue to build my store. Try to not make everyone know Mother is dead.” said Margarita, contently making eye contact with her soup.
“What will we say when the paparazzi asks about the sudden change in Mother’s company?” asked Itzeyana. “I have already gotten ten requests for interviews about what happened.”
“Joan Thorrnwallow Spenciers has decided to retire and hopes everyone will be welcoming to the new head of the company.” said Grandmother. “According to the media. They will never be announced as ‘dead.’ We will not talk of their death outside of these walls.”
“Grandmother?” asked Noê. “May I ask you an off topic question?”
“Of course honey.” replied Grandmother.
“Do you know anything about Evangeline Thorrnwallow?” asked Noê.
Grandfather spewed his drink out all over his food when he heard that name. “Sorry,” he said. “It’s truly a name your mother would have loved.”
“Evangeline … Eleocadia, Thorrnwallow?” asked Grandmother. Noê nodded. “Well …” Grandmother turned to Grandfather. “What do you think? The truth might be the best …”
Grandfather nodded. “They’ve waited long enough.”
“What? Just tell us what’s going on.” said Paige impatiently.
“This might be a lot to hear. Brace yourselves.” Grandmother inhaled and exhaled dramatically. “Evangeline Eleocadia Thorrnwallow, was an Olympic medalsist, actor, script writer, director, and was planning to change her name to Evangeline Eleocadia Thorrnwallow Spencier before her death.” Noê was speechless. He had read the rumor articles about her wanting to change her name, but he didn’t think that they were true.
“What? Who was this stranger?” asked Paige.
“An Olympic medalist, actor, script writer, and director. And apparently, was in a relationship with our mother.” said Joluke.
Paige was speechless. “What did she do to Mother? She hurt them, didn’t she?” Paige was frowning. “I’ll get her in jail by March.”
“No!” yelled Grandfather. “Ahem. Sorry. I meant to say that she never did anything wrong. The reason why Eva- Ms. Thorrnwallow was only mentioned once in the will, and then immediately took off, was because she died.”
Paige was silent again. “I don’t understand, what does Eva-”
“Call her Ms. Thorrnwallow, it’s what she’d want you to call her.” interrupted Grandmother.
“What does Ms. Thorrnwallow have to do with Mother’s death?” asked Paige.
“What? Nothing.” said Noê. “I only asked because she was mentioned in the will, and I was bored.”
“Oh.” Paige went back to eating normally.
“Um … what are you going to do when you get home Itzeyana?” asked Grandfather, anxiously trying to change the subject before anymore screeching occurred.
“Go back to work. Do some interviews. Say that we had a family reunion I had forgotten about. The usual.” said Itzeyana.
“What about Wynry?” asked Grandmother.
“Of course I’ll go back to work too. Don’t really have anything else planned. You?” Wynry glanced at Tequila.
“I’ll find aaaaalll the birds!” exclaimed Tequila.
“That’s a movie sweetheart.” said Crimson.
“Are you sure?” asked Tequila. “This changes everything.”
As Tequila pondered the possible existence of a movie called The BirdsSymphony shared their schedule. “I am going to study more on the psychology aspects of the universe and will try to study faith again. The part where if god or multiple gods were real we’d know just as much about them as if they weren’t real is usually the big stopper, but this time I am sure I’ll do better than before!”
“Ooo- Oooo, do me next!” Grandmother motioned at Joluke to indicate the freedom of speech. “I’ll take care of Agatha Aaliyah, that reminds me I need a new stroller and some orange bibs and …” and Noê ate contently as Joluke babbled about baby products for the rest of the dinner.
Chapter Ten
Day Nine: Early Morning
Paige sat down in her seat in first class and sighed. Twelve people, this time maybe? She thought. Not five minutes after she sat down did her calmness get interrupted by a fan.
“Excuse me Miss, but are you by any chance the Paige Thorrnwallow Spencier?” asked a petite girl with brown hair with another girl that looked older and serious.
“Yes.” replied Paige.
“Can you please sign my book?” asked the petite girl. “Oh, apologies, my name is Brunchinham.” Brunchinham put out her hand to shake. “My father worked with your mother.”
“I wouldn’t be surprised if he had.” Paige shook Brunchinham’s hand along with the serious girl’s. “My mother was known for their connections.”
“Was? Like in past tense? Is she dying?” asked Brunchinham houndingly.
“No, but my mother is best known currently for their companies.” replied Paige. “And next time you have an assumption, I suggest you not shout it in your favorite author’s face.”
Bruchinham raised her eyebrow. “Gayle, that isn’t right.”
“No ma’am,” said Gayle.
“Fix it.” said Bruchinham.
“Can’t ma’am,” said Gayle. Seems like Gayle isn’t one for many words. Thought Paige.
“Well, if you’re daddy’s little spoiled girl that’s never heard a word against her, then I tell you the truth about the world. There’ll be someone bigger than your daddy that you’ll pick on and get in trouble with. And I’ll save you the trouble of the shock because my mother’s the biggest you’ll meet.” Paige handed Gayle a card. “Farewell.”
Bruchinham stomped away from Paige’s seat with Gayle in tow and Paige sighed. The people who read what she wrote were not the type of people she usually wanted to talk to. I wonder who Brunchinham’s father was. Obviously someone well off and powerful enough to hire someone to protect his daughter. Oh, right, this would be perfect for my memoir. Paige was writing a memoir about all the memorable fan interactions she had, and this eighteen hour long plane ride would be a perfect time to work on it. Soon after she got her laptop out she was interrupted a few more times, but she disregarded them. I told Mother so many times that living in Norway would be annoying to the rest of the family, but they never cared much about us anyway. Joan had always stopped by on Paige’s book tours, and come to at least seventy- five percent of Itzeyana’s performances, but they hadn’t ever been particularly loving or affectionate to their children. Paige had read one of their Mother’s letters once discussing the fact.
Dearest Niviarsiaq,
You inquired about my Motherly traits in your last letter, and that is an astute recollection. You almost definitely did not know this, but I have an unnecessary amount of children at this point in time. Some persons have commented that they are extremely loveable, but I have never truly felt that way about my offspring. I have been advised by Noor to mention what they are all like. Mmm. I do not believe that you will truly need any of this information in the future, but Noor is usually correct about others’ thoughts, similar to you. My firstborn Karla is full of bad decisions, and currently at college for cosmetics and sushi chef- ing. Margarita has a promising future in business, but not in mine. Tequila, Margarita’s twin sister, is perfect for theatre and acting. Bobby Ronald MacDonald Junior the I (I’ll let you know that is his chosen name, I would never choose something so undescribable) is saddened, and saddening. Wynry is calm and a fairly average childe, unlike the rest of their kin. Wynry’s twin Itzeyana is probably going to become a model, and they will love it. Symphony is studying ‘overseas’ currently, and hopes to visit soon. Joluke is narcissistic and is creative in a way that makes you strongly dislike them. Alessandra is creative in a lovely way and Joluke’s twin. Noê loves botany and the idea of being able to eat anything off the ground without getting in trouble. Paige is the youngest and is too bossy for the family business, she’ll probably write some terrible books that she regrets and is recognized for everywhere. I have no affection for any of them, but I have high expectations that I will help them with, while still having all of their work be truly by themselves. I want to mention one of them at a place full of strangers and have them say that I must be proud of them. I do not love them, nor hate them, but merely tolerate them. Many parents think that you either love your childe or hate them, but that is all hogwash if you ask me.
Best Regards,
Joan Thorrnwallow Spencier
Paige found this letter with the responding letter stapled to it, but Paige couldn’t read it. The thought that her own mother didn’t love her made her want to vomit. Even now, thirteen years later, Paige being a mother herself, she still couldn’t understand. Paige had never really understood Joan. And now Paige’s child would never get to meet his grandmother.
—————————
When Paige got home she had to meet her five year old child and talk about how his grandmother confronted death, and as always, failed to beat it in a card game.
“Mommy!” screamed the young child that uncannily resembled a red head highland cow.
“Hi Bananah, I am so sorry sweetie, but I have something depressing to tell you.” said Paige as Bananah rammed her into a hug.
“Oh no!” said Bananah dramatically. “Another family trip you cannot take me on?”
Paige snorted. “I think we’re done with that for a bit sweetie.” Paige sighed. “I- This is going to be hard to hear so take a seat.” Bananah sat down on a bright yellow chair. “Your grandmother Joan Thorrnwallow Spencier is dead. She died of Myasthenia gravis, which is a disease that hurts the muscles around your bones.”
“Is it going to happen to you?!” asked Bananah.
“Almost definitely not.” responded Paige quickly.
“Oh. I am sad for Grammy, but … I’ll still see them later right?” asked Bananah
“They are gone forever.” the thought of having to say it hurt Paige’s throat. “They are never coming back. They are dead.”
“… Mommy, you said Grammy was a pwest right?” asked Bananah as he started tearing up. “Before they took over the world with their mwerchendise?”
“Yes, before Joan owned Safeway, they were a priest of the church of Jeff in Pancakestan (and the smaller historical one in Washington).” said Paige. “They did a lot of negotiating to get the church where it is now. The actual founder of Jeff was thought to be your Grandmother’s predecessor, the high Priest Jack of the church of Jeff in Washington, but it was actually the oldest president of Pan-”
“Mommy, that’s not important right now.” Bananah interrupted.
“Sorry sweetie,” said Paige.
“But what is important,” said Bananah. “Is that I want to be like Grammy.”
“… A priest?” asked Paige. “If you want to learn more about the church I can tell you, and if you are more interested in Joan, there are multiple biographies abo-”
“No.” said Bananah seriously. “What I want to do is learn why the almighty Jeff took Grammy away.”
Epilogue
“I was praying to The Lord and Savior Almighty Jeff when some tourists barged into the quiet sanctuary in Pancakiestan. I sighed and promptly put on a customer service face and asked why they were there
“Pardon me, but this is a private sanctuary for worshippers of Jeff, spe-”
“Nah, don’t worry it’s okay, we love this Jeff man.” said a middle aged lady with strawberry blonde hair that was the kind of person I didn’t want to deal with then.
I sighed. “I was saying that this chamber is specifically reserved for nuns and priests, neither of which see-”
“Calm your butt down lady with bad taste in clothes.” interrupted the strawberry blonde.
“Aunt Joluke, please don’t offend the charming nun. They are obviously just trying to tell us that we aren’t supposed to be here!” said an eighteen year old with a face that struck I as almost creepily similar to their own.
“It’ll be fine Kirky, after all we’re with the head priest,” said Joluke smuggly. “Just tell us where he is and we’ll be in and out in jus-”
The other person with them suddenly caught I’s eye, she was staring at them with her eyes wide and her mouth open, but not saying anything. I looked back at her for a minute before they were asked a question by Joluke.
“Sorry, but could you please repeat that?” I asked.
“I am here to visit the head priest,” Joluke narrowed her eyes as if she pitied me. “Who you probably don’t even know. I need to see my nephew and you must take me to him before I stand any longer in this old musty shed.” Joluke looked at the gold clad walls as if they were toe fungus.
“You’re the aunt of Father Joshua?!” I blurted loudly before apologizing. “Sincerest apologies for my interruption.”
“Who’s that? No, he said that he just became one, you are probably thinking of someone else.” said Joluke
I had seen Father Joshua, the head priest of the Pancakiestan church of Jeff, just earlier that morning as I was cleaning out the goat’s pen. “That’s not possible, I just saw Father Joshua this morning …”
“Um, our cousin’s name is Bananah. Aunt Joluke probably just got the label wrong.” said Kirky.
“Oh,” I said. “He’s one of the newer priests, I think.”
Bananah had been very interested in my stories of Jeff and his amazing followers, which I did not enjoy, so I had been avoiding him.
“I can show you to the desk where we get everyone checked in so you can find him.” I said as they walked out the staff entrance and to the main part of the church.
“Thank you, tha-”
“I think we can find our way around fine by ourselves.” said Joluke stubbornly.
“Aunt Joluke!” yelled Kirky. “This Sister is graciously helping us!”
I saw another nun with blue eyes and motioned for them to come forward.
“Hello Sister Jo, who do you have here?” asked the nun.
“Oh Sister Rebekah! These are the family of Brother Bananah.” I said, gritting my teeth. “They came into the private sanctuary and asked to see him.”
“I’m Joluke and I don’t know who this is, but they aren’t doing anything to help me, and definitely are going to be thanksgiving dinner, if you know what I mean.”
Sister Rebekah and I gasped. “Ma’am, you can not be calling one of our most hardworking nuns a turkey!” said Sister Rebekah.
“Oh yes I can and I just did.” Joluke spat on the ground near my feet. “Now if someone sensible can show me to my nephew …” I stopped listening to Joluke. Kirky shoved a fifty dollar bill into their hands and apologized.”
“Wow, that sucks.” said a woman with dashing dark hair and eyes. “No wonder you were sad while picking weeds.”
“Sister Miriam, they were weeds.” said a blonde sister.
“Well Sister Esther, if you didn’t notice, usually Sister Jo enjoys all the small jobs they get to do. Unlike you.” said Sister Miriam.
“Yes, why do you enjoy those?” asked Sister Rebekah, trying to keep Sister Esther and Sister Miriam from fighting.
“I wasn’t ever able to do anything like that before I came here,” said Sister Jo.
“Oh well, that’s probably all we’ll be able to get from you today.” said Sister Miriam. “What did the quiet girl say?”
“Obviously she said nothing,” said Sister Esther.
“No, they wouldn’t have pointed it out unless she said something.” replied Sister Miriam
“Well, she did say something,” said Sister Jo.
“What?” asked Sister Miriam.
“I remember it because it made my spine tingle,” said Sister Jo.
“She said ‘I know everything about your hidden affairs. Cooperate immediately or face the consequences.”